So far....

I've decided to publish this - I wasn't going to, but think it might be a useful way to let people know what's going on with us.


I don't know exactly why I'm doing this.  I think maybe it might help me get my head around what's going on, and to process it all.  I wrote a single edition of a blog that I never published when my grandfather died and that helped a bit.  It's now languishing on an unused page of myspace or something.

Anyway, today I'm 24 weeks pregnant, with a little boy.  Two days ago we had an extra scan, and learned that our baby is severely growth retarded, down at under the 3rd percentile of weights for his age.  I wasn't expecting anything to be wrong.  We'd watched the scan pictures with excitement at seeing our little one again, his face, arms, tiny hands, brain...  I thought they'd offered the extra scan as they had mentioned at the 20 week scan that the nasal bone was short and that increased the risk of Down's.  I'd looked rather worried and I thought they'd offered the extra scan to reassure me.  Maybe they had.  The consultant and midwife certainly were surpised when our small baby (who we thought was just a bit younger than the dates) was still really small and, while he had grown, he was now still smaller compared with others of his gestational age.  I just thought that this meant he was even younger than we'd thought  - I got pregnant just after coming off the pill so didn't have any useful dates of last menstruation to give me any dates. As they continued to explain, gradually Chris and I realised the truth  - that it wasn't OK, that he was really very tiny and wasn't getting enough energy from me, so couldn't grow correctly, and probably never had.  Worse still, the problem would be exacerbated in the coming weeks, as he needed to grow more and more but wouldn't be able to get this nutrition from the failing placenta, so would become more and more compromised.  My baby is small and getting sicker.  He will need to be born at some point in the next 8 weeks, which will make him between 24 and 32 weeks of gestation at birth, and he will be really small for his age.  I'm really scared.