D Day is set

Fairly predictably the stress ratchetted up over the course of the week, after relaxed furniture-lugging, but this week we didn't get quite the let off we were hoping for at the scan. We knew that things weren't looking good as the obstetrician took us to a little room after the scan to wait in (also I had been eyeing my tiny belly balefully and realising it hadn't got bigger).  It took the obstetrician a long time to come back, neonatologist in tow, to tell us that, while the blood flow parameters and amniotic fluid levels were stable, the baby has barely grown in the last fortnight.  They think that, as he's not growing, it is now worse for him to stay inside.   Our options are basically to have a caesarean on Monday or Tuesday next week, or to do nothing, and wait for the baby to die in utero, though that could take weeks and if I develop preeclampsia they would have to deliver anyway before that happens, by which stage the baby would be in a worse state.  This isn't much of a choice, so we are going for delivery next week.  The odds for the little one aren't great.  What he has gained in gestational weeks, he hasn't made up for in size.  He's predicted to be 539g/1 lb 3oz, so absolutely tiny and pretty borderline.  The neonatologist reckons there's a 75% chance of survival, and a 30-40% chance of major problems if he survives.  I make that a 45- 53% chance of a good outcome (only minor problems). This was crushing news.  The consultant also looked pretty sad.  For me, it seems to be a question of coming to terms with the situation all over again, grieving for those lost weeks and lost growth that we hoped our baby would get, and that would have improved his chances.  I'm terrified for myself, but also for our child who will have to struggle so hard in this world - at the very least at the beginning, but maybe for much longer.  I'm also really sad I'll only feel him kicking inside me for another four days.  You're not supposed to only be pregnant for 27 weeks.

At the same time, we have no choice in what happens, which does make it easier.  We just have to do what we are told:  have a steroid shot today and tomorrow, take preop meds on Sunday, phone the hospital to see when to go in, go in, be operated on, recover a bit, go and see tiny baby, pump breasts, get very used to the neonatal intensive care unit....  I'm sure it will be differently stressful, but it will become normal in its way, and we will take every day, then week, at a time.  I'm sure I will still periodically crumble, but hopefully we'll be able to keep it together enough to be as useful as we can be.  I should also say that it has meant so much to us to have everyone's support.  There isn't anything you, or us, can do for the baby (all that protein hasn't even helped), but it is really great to know you are thinking of us and wishing us well.  Also, please don't think we want to be left alone - we are likely to be very up for quality time away from the neonatal intensive care unit!  So thank you all so much, and I'll let you know what happens next week.